Rug Rat to Roommate: When your Adult Child Doesn’t Move Out
Congratulations, your child is officially an adult!
They can legally register to vote, sign a contract, and move out of your house! Except they haven’t moved out. They’re still living at home. Technically they are adults and can follow whatever set of rules they desire. At the same time it is your home – your sanctuary – and you are providing a little (or a lot) of financial support. We can help you navigate your expectations and encourage their independence without sacrificing your sanity or your relationship.
My oldest child graduated last week, so this has been a hot topic for us. While every child and situation is different, the key is communication. Both you and your adult child need to be clear about your expectations, needs, and desires. It’s important to approach the conversation with respect, valuing your adult child’s rightful autonomy and honoring the change from child to adult. It is equally important to set healthy boundaries to ensure a peaceful environment. No one wants to live through a constant power struggle!
In our house, we created a contract. This may seem like overkill, but even if your child is a perfect angel and never breaks the rules, a contract can still be beneficial. When our children were toddlers, we used timers to help them move from one activity to another, like when it was time to leave the park. This didn't always guarantee a tantrum-free transition, but It did allow you to practice negotiating, coming to an agreement, and following through with that agreement. The timer was an external control that you both agreed to use. In the same way, creating a contract for your adult child living at home can help set expectations, responsibilities, privileges, and consequences that you agree upon ahead of time, so no one is surprised. Here are some guidelines to help you write your contract:
The First Draft
While you (the parents) are the ones creating the contract, I urge you to think of it as a first draft. When you meet to discuss it with your adult child, take their suggestions and requests seriously. You are all adults now and need to work together. Both parties should feel heard and validated. We want this to be a win-win situation.
The Deal Breakers
Define those things that are non-negotiable for you and separate them from those that are truly preferences. You might require your adult child to maintain full or part-time employment and/or enroll in college courses. You might also prohibit the use of illegal drugs or underage alcohol consumption on or in your property (such as a in vehicle you own).
In contrast, you would prefer your adult child tell you if they will be home for dinner each night, but you understand this may not always happen. Instead of listing it as a requirement, you can note it as a request and remind them that if they fail to communicate there may not be enough food prepared for them to join you.
The Perks
Make sure to include what your adult child should expect from you – this is a two-way street! Include the benefits you will provide (rent-free housing, groceries, utilities, health insurance, car insurance, etc.). Share how you will ensure and respect their privacy (a lock for their bedroom door). List the resources they will be able to access (a family vehicle, recreation equipment, etc.). Welcome their visitors and lay out guidelines (advance notice, visiting hours, appropriate areas of the home, guests of the opposite sex, etc.).
The Money
You need a clear plan for which of you will pay for fuel, vehicle maintenance, car insurance, their cell phone plan, and anything not listed above as a perk, such as rent, groceries, and utilities. If you foot the bill, you set the rules. For example, if you pay your adult child’s cell phone bill, you get to set limitations on usage and when and where it will be charged for the night. If your child chooses not to be held to your expectations (after all, they are an adult), they will need to secure their own plan or pay you for their portion of the bill.
The Problems
At some point, either you or your adult child will make a mistake. Do not be surprised! Include a section describing how you will resolve conflicts while referring to your mutual agreements. If the situation cannot be resolved, either party can call for the end of the contract. At that point your adult child needs to make plans to move out. State the expected timeline for this to happen (30-60 days will allow enough time to make arrangements while giving you both reassurance of an end date).
The End
Even if your time living together goes perfectly, sometime in the future your baby bird will decide to leave the nest. This is okay! Moving out is normal. Remind your adult child that you fully expect them to move out at some point, and you will celebrate and continue to support them through this transition. Acknowledge that you all desire to have a healthy, loving relationship with appropriate boundaries; this is the intent of the contract. Then sign it. Yes, all of you literally sign and date it. Everyone gets a personal copy. When an issue arises, refer to the contract.
The most loving thing you can do for your adult child is to hold them accountable to the boundaries you’ve agreed upon together. Show grace and mercy – this is part of teaching your child how to be an adult, and they will make mistakes – but don’t let them slide too far. Model forgiveness and restoration, as well as repentance for your own mistakes. It will take time for all of you to settle into this new relationship.
If you’re looking for a little more support, click here to download a sample contract. Adjust as needed for your family and situation. You can do it, friend! We believe in you!
